You kept calling me your small dog last night.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
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