Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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