Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
