He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
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until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
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I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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