none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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