I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
