i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
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