just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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