I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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