Where did you get a picture of my penis
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
