I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
