If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
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