I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
