apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
