Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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