Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
