Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
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I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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