Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Randomize
