Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
