she's into porn, im staying here tonight
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
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