Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
