Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Randomize
