the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
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