I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
