I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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