she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
