I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Randomize
