There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
