I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
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