Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
there's paper in my vomit.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
