the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Randomize
