the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
