i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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