Dual....:-)
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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