Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
