he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
So question, would you consider it morally wrong to grind up Cialas and put it in ones cocktail? Then I get what I want and he doesn't have to be embarrassed and he can win the mental game with himself? I'm only thinking of him...
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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