Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize