Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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