Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
