I painted my nails silver
And what are the implications of that?
Is there supposed to be a msg in that? Just thought ud like to know it looks like I fingerbanged an alien
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
