My room smells like vodka and shame
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
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Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
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