"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Randomize
