Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
In America we eat man semen.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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