maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
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you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
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You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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