i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
