Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Randomize
