The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
