How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
