1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Randomize
