I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize
