note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
