the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
We left the knife in your bed.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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