i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
