We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
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You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
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Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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