just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I got inside last night via doggy door
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
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