Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
