That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Randomize
