I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
