Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
