did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Where is the hickey?
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
