My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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